The reason I disappeared

Some of you may have noticed my FB page, my website, and myself in general went quiet. I’m still processing through it all, but I feel myself finally starting to come up for air and thought I would share the reason why. This is an intensely personal post and is probably a bit emotional. I’m just sharing that in case you don’t want to continue to read.

My dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer in April after being rushed to the hospital for an aneurism. He had throat cancer 7 years ago and has been in remission since. The doctors told us statistically after 5 years that the cancer wouldn’t come back. They were wrong.

The throat cancer not only came back but the tumor began growing into his facial arteries causing massive bleeds. They sent us home with no hope and told us that it was a matter of time before his carotid artery (the one that feeds the brain) burst.

I have so many thoughts on this and it’s hard to even write through the tears flowing down my cheeks. It was literally the hardest 11 weeks of my life. He was a walking talking dead man. I sat with him every day I could and drank beer. He could no longer eat and up until the last 2 weeks he would still drink beer, so that’s what we did.

We were able to have some good talks, and I asked him if there was anything he had on his bucket list that we could go do. He said was lucky in the fact that he has pretty much done everything he’s wanted to do. I’ve thought a lot about that since and how fortunate he was to get to say that. Most people never can.

I tried many times during this time to pick up a paint brush, but nothing came out. I wanted to paint the pain and unfairness of it all away but I couldn’t.

I am so very grateful that I was able to hold his hand when he took his last breath. I’m still struggling with so much loss, anger that he was only 65, anger that he suffered so much, and the helplessness of it all. But last night, I picked up the paint brush for the first time in months. I was alone in my hotel room and I pulled it out. It wasn’t easy at first. It was like pushing through a barrier. But then it slowly started to come back. It started to flow again.

I’m grateful for this. I’m grateful that I have this connection to the Creative again. That maybe through it I can begin to heal my heart and mind and soul. The last thing I was able to create before he got really sick was the yantra of the fist. It’s almost a diary entry. My thoughts, my feelings, my anger, my sadness, all made into a fist or rage.

I have so many loyal followers of my art. I just felt the need to share my journey and let you know that I am starting to resurface. I’m not sure where my work will go from here. I have a lot of thoughts still and so I’ll sit with them. And I’ll create.


About Anastacia Drake - Fine Artist

I am from Kansas and I have traveled all over the world. I am an artist, and I have a business brain. I love skirts and tennis shoes. I like to get dirty and ride motorcycles. I am sensitive and I can be mean. I love nature, and believe in protecting it. I love to laugh, and feel better after a good cry. I can be stubborn and impatient. I am constantly growing. I am open and free. I look to be inspired and love to inspire. I play guitar and secretly want to play drums. I have a puppy that brings me great joy. I love hugs, cuddling, holding hands...and wrestling. I love the mountains and the beach. I have to make a pilgrimage to the ocean at least twice a year to balance myself. I believe in balance in all things. Traveling is a passion, and meeting interesting people from all over the world is the perk! I have small town values, and big city dreams. I love beer, hate wine. I believe that what you put out comes back. I believe and live by the belief of treating others like you want to be treated. I enjoy stimulating conversation, and a good sense of humor. Caffeine is my drug of choice, and coffee over chess or good conversation is my luxury. I am strong but sometimes feel small. I strive to be my authentic me.
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3 Responses to The reason I disappeared

  1. mirletaliz says:

    Sending love from Cincinnati

  2. Vivienne says:

    I’m so sorry for your Loss Anastacia 😦 ❤

  3. Mary Ellen says:

    So very sorry from the bottom of my heart. Wish there were something I could do. Best wishes, Mary Ellen

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