We’re all just walking each other home

So I’m going to be raw and personal right now. Bear with me, the beginning of a new year makes me incredible reflective.

I was looking back on this year and my heart filled with so much gratitude for my life that it flowed out of my eyes as tears. I can’t contain it.

I have had people make comments to me that they think it’s been easy for me. That I have everything. I once had a boss make a comment about how I’ve had everything handed to me because I seemed so confident.

What most people don’t know about me is this. I grew up in a small farm town in Kansas.

Becoming.jpg

Becoming, Acrylic on Canvas

I feared for my life as a toddler. My father was/is an abusive alcoholic and drug addict that left my mom for dead more than once. There is death on his hands. I lived in a constant state of flight or fight. At the age of 6 most girls were thinking about being a princess and I was thinking about how I was going to keep my siblings together when my dad succeeded in killing my mom.

My wrists are incredibly weak because my dad use to throw me into walls as a child and sprain them constantly. I’m overly sensitive to loud or unpredictable situations. I tune into everyone’s energy around me because it was essential as a child to gauge my environment.

My mom fortunately got us out of that situation. With no education and 3 kids she fought like hell for us. She gave us everything she was capable of giving. Her best involved working 2 jobs just to meet the bare minimum. My childhood was used clothes (boys or girls), not joining in on school functions because we didn’t have the money, and never quite fitting in.

As a teenager I fought so hard to change the view people had of “who” I was. I studied, I worked, and I built relationships and friendships. I also struggled. I felt like love was very conditional and I struggled with depression (not knowing what depression was). I spent hours trying to figure out how to make it all stop. But there was one thread that kept me from ending it. One thread of hope that one day it would be better…that I could be better.

I had a decade of searching and figuring out who I was. Then I suddenly and quite unpredictably became a single mother. I spent the first year crying myself to sleep while my baby slept in my arms because I was afraid I would never be able to give him what he deserved. How I would never be the mother he deserved. He slept with me on a blow up mattress for the first 6 months because I couldn’t afford a crib.

And I fought. I have fought for everything I’ve had and done. I haven’t always been right. It hasn’t always been pretty. But I did what I had to do.

I’m not writing any of this for sympathy. Quite the opposite. I’m writing this because I want everyone to know that it can be better. You might have to fight, but there is so much out there.

I get so excited every new year because to me it’s a like an open book with blank pages. A new chapter. One I get to write.

As a child I always had the same wish when I saw a shooting star, “to be happy”. I had the sudden realization this week that I’m happy. Not just a little happy, but sitting smack in the middle of my chaotic messy life and am ridiculously happy. I have a partner that isn’t perfect, but he’s perfect for me. He supports me in my crazy ideas and puts up with my absent-minded ways. I have a child that breaks my heart wide open and makes me a better person. I’ve been able to give him the childhood I wish I had.

021bba63-0ee6-4600-b693-a868aa65fc18-1428-0000022b0d8d4b1d-3I have made and continue to make my dreams come true as they grow bigger. I have traveled the world, have the kind of friends that can only be considered family, and have surrounded myself with love. And I wish this for you. Not every day is great. I stumble A LOT. But I keep fighting.

I face this new year with gratitude and love. I wish for each of you a life worth fighting for. Remember that when things look easy for someone else and your journey seems so hard, you have no idea what has brought them to this place.

Thank you for being part of my journey. And I promise to write less intense blogs in the future. 😉

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About strokeofred

I am from Kansas and I have traveled all over the world. I am an artist, and I have a business brain. I love skirts and tennis shoes. I like to get dirty and ride motorcycles. I am sensitive and I can be mean. I love nature, and believe in protecting it. I love to laugh, and feel better after a good cry. I can be stubborn and impatient. I am constantly growing. I am open and free. I look to be inspired and love to inspire. I play guitar and secretly want to play drums. I have a puppy that brings me great joy. I love hugs, cuddling, holding hands...and wrestling. I love the mountains and the beach. I have to make a pilgrimage to the ocean at least twice a year to balance myself. I believe in balance in all things. Traveling is a passion, and meeting interesting people from all over the world is the perk! I have small town values, and big city dreams. I love beer, hate wine. I believe that what you put out comes back. I believe and live by the belief of treating others like you want to be treated. I enjoy stimulating conversation, and a good sense of humor. Caffeine is my drug of choice, and coffee over chess or good conversation is my luxury. I am strong but sometimes feel small. I strive to be my authentic me.
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2 Responses to We’re all just walking each other home

  1. Pingback: We’re all just walking each other home – Bright, shiny objects!

  2. You have a very nice blog and you write well about important topics. Perhaps you might consider turning on the reblog button and making sharing buttons available through the publicize function so that your ‘fans’ can help spread your thinking. Happy New Year!

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