I paint the picture of my life

May your choices reflect your hopes, not your fears” – Nelson Mandela

True to my nature, I have been doing a ton of self-analyzing lately. I’m also discovering a ton about myself. Maybe for the first time in my life, I am sitting with things that scare the hell out of me and trying to figure out where the fear is coming from instead of just running away from it.

After discussing with a good friend some fears I had concerning certain subjects, she pointed out that my fears are invalid because they are the fears of my past and of my past self. I have already lived a life proving these fears invalid and maybe it’s time to let them go.

I sat with this for quite a while. I started laying out all of the words and concepts that I had fear associated with (i.e.: commitment, marriage, etc.). I examined the feelings that these concepts brought up in me. Most of them were negative, they made my stomach hurt, they gave me a feeling of suffocation and made me want to run away. I didn’t run away. I sat with them and shined the light on them. As a result, they started to unfold and disappear.

What I realized is that most of these fears are from a childhood long gone. They are from a different person. I’ve held on to them like a treasure, but really they are nothing more than a memory and no longer have any validity. Motherhood was also one of those words. Motherhood terrified me. I associated it with lots of negative things like “being stuck, my life ending as I knew it, sacrifice, exhaustion, along with many others. The truth of the matter is I love being a mother. I wouldn’t have chosen it willingly because I was afraid of it. The mother I am now proves that there is nothing to be afraid of. This is my story. I get to write it. I paint the picture of my life. I refuse to run away because of fear anymore. I will shine a light on it, show it love, and let it go. I’m the one choosing how I want my life to be.

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About strokeofred

I am from Kansas and I have traveled all over the world. I am an artist, and I have a business brain. I love skirts and tennis shoes. I like to get dirty and ride motorcycles. I am sensitive and I can be mean. I love nature, and believe in protecting it. I love to laugh, and feel better after a good cry. I can be stubborn and impatient. I am constantly growing. I am open and free. I look to be inspired and love to inspire. I play guitar and secretly want to play drums. I have a puppy that brings me great joy. I love hugs, cuddling, holding hands...and wrestling. I love the mountains and the beach. I have to make a pilgrimage to the ocean at least twice a year to balance myself. I believe in balance in all things. Traveling is a passion, and meeting interesting people from all over the world is the perk! I have small town values, and big city dreams. I love beer, hate wine. I believe that what you put out comes back. I believe and live by the belief of treating others like you want to be treated. I enjoy stimulating conversation, and a good sense of humor. Caffeine is my drug of choice, and coffee over chess or good conversation is my luxury. I am strong but sometimes feel small. I strive to be my authentic me.
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