I have been really ecstatic lately about how much I’m accomplishing. I have been working so hard in making positives in my life. I have gotten in a good place through hard work and proud of myself. The last three years have not been easy. I became a single mother in a time I was traveling the world and living a life all about me. I was also nomadic with no roots and no intention of making any. Suddenly, within the countdown of leaving the country for an artist fellowship I found out I was pregnant. My whole world was shaken.
I did what I felt like I needed to do for me. I had my son. I was laid off. I struggled to just feed my son. The last three years came with tremendous growth and sacrifice. I’m so fortunate to surround myself with amazing people who shared in my journey. I was at my lowest. I felt like I had failed as a person.
I have never for one day resented my son. I did however struggle to make sense of a life I was suddenly living. We survived it. Now, I am working hard to right my wrongs. To fix finances, credit, and all of the things that were destroyed in the wake of my sudden life change.
With all of this, as I begin to excel I start to see hints of jealousy in some of those around me. It leaves me with lots of random thoughts. Anyone who has shown recent indication of resentment or jealousy towards me were people who entered my life about the time of my lowest points. It makes me question whether or not they enjoyed being around me to feel better about their life and circumstances.
Ive never quite understood jealousy. To me it has always meant a symptom of something much bigger: insecurity, trust, disappointment in self, etc. Jealousy is not a pretty thing. It ruins friendships and relationships.
The most important thing I need to remember is that this is MY journey. I owe it to my son to be the person I would want him to be. I will not hold myself back for someone else. I will continue to surround myself by people who love my son and me and cut out the ones that can’t be happy for me or my journey.
I only want good for those in my life that I love. And I want them to want the same for me.