~Musings of a restless mind & an inspired spirit~

The Big Picture

strokeofred — Mon, 20 Feb 2012 01:52:52 +0000

In the total of today, it sucked. I woke with a migraine that kept me nauseous and sensitive to light. In the afternoon when it finally started to lighten up I was driving my new car home. Suddenly, right after crossing a busy intersection my car quit working. It suddenly screeched to a halt in the middle of the road and refused to move. Even with hazards on people honked and gestured their frustration by being inconvenienced by my misfortune.

My car was later towed away and dropped off at a shop. It was frustrating to watch it being wrenched onto a flatbed while the 30 day tag seemed to mock me out the back window. Less than 200 miles and 2 weeks after purchase, and the transmission goes out.

Shitty day, but not as shitty as one would think. There’s alot of great things that make this day not seem as huge as maybe I would have thought a year ago.

I woke this morning to a smile and the sun beaming through the windows. When I drove home my migraine was starting to subside. I was stalled in the middle of the road uncertain of what to do. I was able to call people to help. This is something I’m not sure I’ve had before…people who cared enough for me they would come if I needed help. I am overwhelming grateful for this. And while waiting for the tow driver and wanting to wallow in my misfortune, these friends kept the mood leaning towards the positive. I found it hard for me to be too upset.

I spent the rest of the day wondering why I’m not more upset about what seems to be todays disaster. In the big picture though, it’s not that bad. I’m fortunate it happened in a time when I do have an income and can afford to get it fixed. It happened when I wasn’t going very fast and didn’t have my son in the car. This could have been a much more dangerous situation. I’m on the road more than most people, and it happened less than two miles from my home. I had people to call who would come help me so I didn’t feel so helpless and alone.

All in all, it’s a machine. It’s not death, it’s not bad health, it’s not anything that can’t be fixed. If it was going to happen, I can’t think of a better time for it to have happened. I have always been one of those people who found the unwavering optimistic annoying. I don’t think I’m becoming one of those people. I think I am just so incredibly grateful for what and who I have in my life. I can look at the big picture and realize that yes, this sucked, but it’s not even close to being as bad as it could have been. I can’t help but still smile.

Jealousy

strokeofred — Tue, 14 Feb 2012 03:37:20 +0000

I have been really ecstatic lately about how much I’m accomplishing. I have been working so hard in making positives in my life. I have gotten in a good place through hard work and proud of myself. The last three years have not been easy. I became a single mother in a time I was traveling the world and living a life all about me. I was also nomadic with no roots and no intention of making any. Suddenly, within the countdown of leaving the country for an artist fellowship I found out I was pregnant. My whole world was shaken.

I did what I felt like I needed to do for me. I had my son. I was laid off. I struggled to just feed my son. The last three years came with tremendous growth and sacrifice. I’m so fortunate to surround myself with amazing people who shared in my journey. I was at my lowest. I felt like I had failed as a person.

I have never for one day resented my son. I did however struggle to make sense of a life I was suddenly living. We survived it. Now, I am working hard to right my wrongs. To fix finances, credit, and all of the things that were destroyed in the wake of my sudden life change.

With all of this, as I begin to excel I start to see hints of jealousy in some of those around me. It leaves me with lots of random thoughts. Anyone who has shown recent indication of resentment or jealousy towards me were people who entered my life about the time of my lowest points. It makes me question whether or not they enjoyed being around me to feel better about their life and circumstances.

Ive never quite understood jealousy. To me it has always meant a symptom of something much bigger: insecurity, trust, disappointment in self, etc. Jealousy is not a pretty thing. It ruins friendships and relationships.

The most important thing I need to remember is that this is MY journey. I owe it to my son to be the person I would want him to be. I will not hold myself back for someone else. I will continue to surround myself by people who love my son and me and cut out the ones that can’t be happy for me or my journey.

I only want good for those in my life that I love. And I want them to want the same for me.

Trying new things

strokeofred — Wed, 18 Jan 2012 05:13:09 +0000

I have been pushing myself out of my comfort zone. I have been loosening up my brush stroke while using oils. I also took an older painting tonight that I was going to paint over and actually put a glaze over it so that I could use it as a background for a new painting (an idea thrown at me by someone else). I’m having alot of fun experimenting. I’m also finding very quickly my comfort levels and what pushes me outside of it.

We have to be pushed outside of our comfort levels in order to grow. Might as well have some fun with it!

Upright, 24x36", Oil

Letting go

strokeofred — Tue, 17 Jan 2012 16:49:53 +0000

I love oils, but I find myself not working with them often because I tend to become a perfectionist with them. I feel the need to work and rework them. To blend until the image because something I would want to touch because the texture looks real. I decided to do some playing. I have been experimenting with letting go and loosening up my brush stroke so I can learn to enjoy oils more. Here’s a start…

Excuse Maker or Taker

strokeofred — Fri, 13 Jan 2012 04:06:03 +0000

I really need to get better with this blogging thing…I guess writing this is a start, right?

I was doing alot of thinking while painting today about Excuse makers. We are probably all a little guilty to some extent. It’s only when you let excuses keep you from accomplishing your goals, living your life, letting you love, or becoming a better you, is it really a problem. What would happen if we said yes every time we got the inclination to make an excuse for why we can’t. Can you imagine the possibilities!

I realized today that Excuse Takers are just as bad as the Excuse Makers. Excuse Takers are those of us who enable the Excuse Makers. We let them make their excuses why they can’t treat us the way they should, why they don’t do what they say they will, and let them off the hook for bad behavior. We are not doing these people a favor either. People will treat you how you demand to be treated. So if someone is not treating you the way they should be, why are you letting them? You are only giving your power away if you are an Excuse Taker.

Process

strokeofred — Mon, 18 Jul 2011 04:22:05 +0000

Process is a word that keeps surfacing for me. I can actually see it in my art and my life. I am enjoying my work more because I’m embracing the process and being less critical of the result. In my own life, it is much the same way. I have been reflecting a lot recently on the past 5 months. Relationships, friendships, my growth, my art, and my son.

I have a quote hanging in my bathroom that says “It’s not the destination that matters, but the journey in the end”. I completely embrace this. I find that I am more open to the experience of living and taking on the adventure, the destination doesn’t seem quite so important. We are all moving towards something (whether by our own choice or we leave it to chance), but really it’s all about the process. Experiencing each day, taking the good and the bad, and deciding how we want to experience it. I’m finding the view a lot better when I’m living right in the center of my life and accepting it all for what it is. YEEHAW!

Checking In

strokeofred — Tue, 31 May 2011 03:36:39 +0000

I remember watching this show once about a couple. Something odd about the couple is that they both wore patches on their clothes that said PMS. When asked about it, they explained that it is something they had done since the beginning of their relationship and they believed it made their relationship better. It reminds them to ask each other about PMS. PMS being Physical, Mental, and Spiritual well being.

I was once in a relationship with someone, and early on he said, “there’s no pressure, but I need to know where you are at with this. If we don’t make sure we are both on the same page, people get hurt. I just want to prevent that”. That was a bold act for the beginning of a relationship, but it made a lot of sense. I think it’s healthy not only in a relationship, but for ourselves to “check in”.

I often get so tied up with my responsibilities and to do lists I don’t notice things are out of balance for me until I am feeling overwhelmed, uninspired, or just in a funk. I made the realization this week that I have not “checked in” on myself in a while. I am out of balance. I am putting too much energy on things that aren’t returning it. I have a lot going on in my world, and lost focus on the things that bring me a great deal of happiness. So I have to start looking at my physical, mental, and spiritual well being to figure out why I can’t seem to get out of this funk. Once I “check in” with myself, I realize a lot is actually out of balance. I am neglecting myself by putting my energy into the wrong things, putting too much energy into things that don’t matter, and not putting enough into the things that do.

Maybe I need to set a regular check in date.

I have a gallery space!

strokeofred — Fri, 13 May 2011 03:05:50 +0000

It’s official; rent is paid! I now have a gallery space. It may not be huge, but it is a step in the right direction. I am so excited to finally have a place to display my art and market myself. It’s been a goal, maybe even a dream for a long time. I think about where I started just two and a half years ago. I was panicked and frightened to find myself jobless, not owning anything (I was getting ready to move out of the country), and bringing a child into my world. I felt alone and lost. I felt like I had little to offer a child. I didn’t want the sort of life that locked me to a cubicle doing a job I loathed in order to pay for stuff I didn’t need.

In a way I was fortunate. I applied for the dreaded jobs I didn’t want. I interviewed well. They took one look at my growing belly and offered an insincere smile and said “we’ll be in touch”. Desperate for a job, I had no choice but to beresourceful. I started advertising art lessons and showing my work wherever I could. I started teaching classes with different organizations throughout the community. Somehow, I managed to find myself exactly where I was supposed to be. I was doing something that fulfilled me and was making a living at it. It hasn’t been an easy road; things are still tight financially. The payoff though, is that I feel fulfilled. My son is happy kid with a happy mom. I get to be home with him most of the time and am able to still chase my dreams. I didn’t have to sacrifice myself in order to make it work. It worked itself out.

The gallery is just one more step in this dream. I continue to visualize my path and follow what fulfills my soul. Today I sat in the gallery space painting and couldn’t stop smiling. It just felt right. I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be.

An Acrylic Kinda Mood

strokeofred — Wed, 04 May 2011 04:43:42 +0000

I have a love for both acrylics and oils. I find that my styles and moods generally change with each. Lately I’ve been in an acrylic kind of mood. Acrylics for me means working in bold colors, being fearless, laying the paint thick and fast. With acrylics I don’t have to spend so much time over thinking them. I just let what comes out, come out and enjoy the process along the way. It’s almost like playing to me. Here’s the fruits of my labor today….

Spring Musings

strokeofred — Fri, 22 Apr 2011 10:33:02 +0000

I have very vivid memories of planting flower bulbs with my Grandmother when I was 5. She told me how much she loved Spring because it was a time of rebirth. She told me she hoped that she died in the Spring because she loved it so much. Last Spring, she passed from this life. I am glad she got her wish.

As I’ve gotten older I finally understand her love with the season. It’s a time of rebirth, new beginnings, and cleansing rains. It makes me think that God must be an artist. There is color and intricate beauty everywhere. Little presents grow up through the ground surprising you with all of their glory. It is such an inspiring time of year for me.

Here’s some of the inspiration translated onto canvas…