Learning to Breathe

In order to tackle some toddler tantrum issues that have have recently surfaced at my house, I have had to change some of my own behaviors. I am having to learn how to breathe.

Up  to his point, I think it is fair to say I have lived a pretty reactionary existence. I have carried this characteristic into adulthood and parenthood. I’m learning as a mother that our children are little mirrors of ourselves. They love us, want to be like us, and in turn mimic our behavior.

This has recently challenged me to think before reacting from an emotional standpoint. I am learning to be more mindful of my emotions, my use of them, and my parental instincts. This is not just a parental lesson; this is a lesson that can be applied to life in general. It’s important to be conscious and mindful of the way we interact with the world and how our behaviors and reactions affect others.

I have been working on a series of paintings lately I’ve been calling “Meditation Paintings”. They have a mandala quality to them. They require a repetitive motion to make. If I make one wrong stroke the entire painting can be ruined. I have started using these paintings as a way to challenge myself with a meditative mindfulness. In order to be mindful I have to clear my head of all the other clutter around me and be completely and totally in the moment. I will admit, I’m not very good at it, but I am a work in progress. When I find my mind wandering, I notice my paint strokes are less consistent. I am gentle with myself. I remind myself to breathe, clear my mind, and come back to the moment. With each stroke I make I take a breath.  I am learning to breathe all over again…in parenting, art, and life.

 

You must make time to waste time

I heard an interesting phrase in an interview by the author of the book, “Imagine- How Creativity Works”. He said, “You must make time to waste time”. He went on to explain that creativity can not be forced and often comes when we quit searching for it. Scientific studies actually show that creativity often happens when you aren’t doing anything. 

I have been so frustrated with having my computer stolen. I feel stagnant. I feel like my whole life was attached to that computer. In some ways that is true, but in many it isn’t. 

I have been trying to really look at this. There is an old Chinese story about a father and his son owned a farm. They did not have many animals, but they did own a horse. One day the horse ran away. 

“How terrible, what bad luck,” said the neighbours. 

“Good luck, bad luck, who knows?” replied the farmer.
Several weeks later the horse returned, bringing with him four wild mares.
“What marvellous luck,” said the neighbours.
“Good luck, bad luck, who knows?” replied the farmer.
The son began to learn to ride the wild horses, but one day he was thrown and broke
his leg.
“What bad luck,” said the neighbours.
“Good luck, bad luck, who knows?” replied the farmer.
The next week the army came to the village to take all the young men to war. The
farmer’s son was still disabled with his broken leg, so he was spared. “Good luck,
bad luck, who knows?”

I don’t think it was good luck I got my things stolen. But, I am trying to see the brighter side of things. I suddenly no longer have the distraction of my computer. I’m not working on organizing my life into yet another excel spreadsheet. I’m not searchign the web for future jobs. I’m not figuring out how to network and market myself. I’m forced to sit with myself and “waste time”. 

At first I couldn’t create at all due to the anger. I took my son to the gallery and watched as he panted with complete abandon. I cleaned around him. He got my creative juices flowing again. I’m suddenly overflowing with ideas. I’m reclaiming oldpaintings and making them new….giving them a new beginning.

I will try to enjoy my wasted time and understand that it is indeed required for healing, growth, and creativity.  

Being in it

I have had this strange sort of anxiety-ridden guilt all week. It’s all completely self-imposed. I keep feeling like I’m not doing enough. I’m not spending enough time with my son. I’m not spending enough time with my art. I’m working too much. I’m not working enough. It’s gorgeous outside and I even feel guilty for not working and going outside and enjoying the amazing weather. I have been thinking alot about this today. I’m not sure where this anxious guilty feeling comes from. None of my actions seem to be spared from it.

I had to remind myself to breathe. To sit still with this feeling and let it flow through me. To stop running from it, to stop feeding it, stop listening to it, and just let it flow through me. I need to fight the urge to sit still and just be. Sometimes “sitting in it” isn’t much fun. I have no reason to feel guilt. I know it comes from a deeper place. A place of stress and anxiety. A place of feeling impatient and frustrated.

Trying to remember to breathe and just be in it…..let it flow.

Not creating or living by “the rules”

A fellow artist approached me about my work yesterday. She told me that she could not believe how much my skill has grown in the past few months. She observed (according to her) that my work has grown more in the past few months than hers has in years. Her biggest frustration was that she has an arts education and I am self-taught.

I don’t know if I agree that my work has grown that much in the past few months. However, I do understand what she is observing. I made it my goal in the past few months to stop trying to paint by the rules. Diego Rivera once said, “If you are an artist, you paint because you have to”. I relate so much with that statement. I paint because I have to. I can often be blocked by the self-imposing rules of creating a “body of work”. I struggle to keep with one style or technique that “defines” me as an artist. It hinders me.
I decided to give up on the rules. I want to play. I want to explore. I want to grow. Isn’t that what art and life is about after all? How do you learn anything if you never try something new? Suddenly I am learning new skills. I’m becoming more comfortable with myself, my work, and really excited to try new ideas and new techniques without worrying about breaking some rule.

I’ve never been very good at living by a preset of rules; why should I create by them?

Being true to yourself

Throughout our lives we go through transitions, we shift, we change. To think back to the person I was 10 years ago is mind boggling. The change has been drastic. However, there are things that are always true about me.

I noticed that whenever I would go through a major career change I would struggle with my identity. In our society, we often identify ourselves with what we do or what our title is. I’ve been struggling a bit lately because I have identified myself as an artist the past few years. It has been my full-time job as well as a mother. In the past 6 months I have been doing contract work that has taken me out of the studio. It is work that has nothing to do with art at all. It has made me question a little bit who I am or who I am becoming.

The root of us doesn’t change though. I am an artist. Even though I’m not in the studio, I find that I have to paint. I find myself wandering the aisles of art stores on my time off. I’ve even started turning my hotel rooms into my temporary art studio while I’m on the road. Even though our circumstances may change, it doesn’t mean we have to.

Here are two pieces I recently painted in my hotel while I was on the road. I only got a little paint on the rug.

The Big Picture

In the total of today, it sucked. I woke with a migraine that kept me nauseous and sensitive to light. In the afternoon when it finally started to lighten up I was driving my new car home. Suddenly, right after crossing a busy intersection my car quit working. It suddenly screeched to a halt in the middle of the road and refused to move. Even with hazards on people honked and gestured their frustration by being inconvenienced by my misfortune.

My car was later towed away and dropped off at a shop. It was frustrating to watch it being wrenched onto a flatbed while the 30 day tag seemed to mock me out the back window. Less than 200 miles and 2 weeks after purchase, and the transmission goes out.

Shitty day, but not as shitty as one would think. There’s alot of great things that make this day not seem as huge as maybe I would have thought a year ago.

I woke this morning to a smile and the sun beaming through the windows. When I drove home my migraine was starting to subside. I was stalled in the middle of the road uncertain of what to do. I was able to call people to help. This is something I’m not sure I’ve had before…people who cared enough for me they would come if I needed help. I am overwhelming grateful for this. And while waiting for the tow driver and wanting to wallow in my misfortune, these friends kept the mood leaning towards the positive. I found it hard for me to be too upset.

I spent the rest of the day wondering why I’m not more upset about what seems to be todays disaster. In the big picture though, it’s not that bad. I’m fortunate it happened in a time when I do have an income and can afford to get it fixed. It happened when I wasn’t going very fast and didn’t have my son in the car. This could have been a much more dangerous situation. I’m on the road more than most people, and it happened less than two miles from my home. I had people to call who would come help me so I didn’t feel so helpless and alone.

All in all, it’s a machine. It’s not death, it’s not bad health, it’s not anything that can’t be fixed. If it was going to happen, I can’t think of a better time for it to have happened. I have always been one of those people who found the unwavering optimistic annoying. I don’t think I’m becoming one of those people. I think I am just so incredibly grateful for what and who I have in my life. I can look at the big picture and realize that yes, this sucked, but it’s not even close to being as bad as it could have been. I can’t help but still smile.

Jealousy

I have been really ecstatic lately about how much I’m accomplishing. I have been working so hard in making positives in my life. I have gotten in a good place through hard work and proud of myself. The last three years have not been easy. I became a single mother in a time I was traveling the world and living a life all about me. I was also nomadic with no roots and no intention of making any. Suddenly, within the countdown of leaving the country for an artist fellowship I found out I was pregnant. My whole world was shaken.

I did what I felt like I needed to do for me. I had my son. I was laid off. I struggled to just feed my son. The last three years came with tremendous growth and sacrifice. I’m so fortunate to surround myself with amazing people who shared in my journey. I was at my lowest. I felt like I had failed as a person.

I have never for one day resented my son. I did however struggle to make sense of a life I was suddenly living. We survived it. Now, I am working hard to right my wrongs. To fix finances, credit, and all of the things that were destroyed in the wake of my sudden life change.

With all of this, as I begin to excel I start to see hints of jealousy in some of those around me. It leaves me with lots of random thoughts. Anyone who has shown recent indication of resentment or jealousy towards me were people who entered my life about the time of my lowest points. It makes me question whether or not they enjoyed being around me to feel better about their life and circumstances.

Ive never quite understood jealousy. To me it has always meant a symptom of something much bigger: insecurity, trust, disappointment in self, etc. Jealousy is not a pretty thing. It ruins friendships and relationships.

The most important thing I need to remember is that this is MY journey. I owe it to my son to be the person I would want him to be. I will not hold myself back for someone else. I will continue to surround myself by people who love my son and me and cut out the ones that can’t be happy for me or my journey.

I only want good for those in my life that I love. And I want them to want the same for me.

Trying new things

I have been pushing myself out of my comfort zone. I have been loosening up my brush stroke while using oils. I also took an older painting tonight that I was going to paint over and actually put a glaze over it so that I could use it as a background for a new painting (an idea thrown at me by someone else). I’m having alot of fun experimenting. I’m also finding very quickly my comfort levels and what pushes me outside of it.

We have to be pushed outside of our comfort levels in order to grow. Might as well have some fun with it!

Upright, 24x36", Oil

Letting go

I love oils, but I find myself not working with them often because I tend to become a perfectionist with them. I feel the need to work and rework them. To blend until the image because something I would want to touch because the texture looks real. I decided to do some playing. I have been experimenting with letting go and loosening up my brush stroke so I can learn to enjoy oils more. Here’s a start…

Excuse Maker or Taker

I really need to get better with this blogging thing…I guess writing this is a start, right?

I was doing alot of thinking while painting today about Excuse makers. We are probably all a little guilty to some extent. It’s only when you let excuses keep you from accomplishing your goals, living your life, letting you love, or becoming a better you, is it really a problem. What would happen if we said yes every time we got the inclination to make an excuse for why we can’t. Can you imagine the possibilities!

I realized today that Excuse Takers are just as bad as the Excuse Makers. Excuse Takers are those of us who enable the Excuse Makers. We let them make their excuses why they can’t treat us the way they should, why they don’t do what they say they will, and let them off the hook for bad behavior. We are not doing these people a favor either. People will treat you how you demand to be treated. So if someone is not treating you the way they should be, why are you letting them? You are only giving your power away if you are an Excuse Taker.