The Big Picture

In the total of today, it sucked. I woke with a migraine that kept me nauseous and sensitive to light. In the afternoon when it finally started to lighten up I was driving my new car home. Suddenly, right after crossing a busy intersection my car quit working. It suddenly screeched to a halt in the middle of the road and refused to move. Even with hazards on people honked and gestured their frustration by being inconvenienced by my misfortune.

My car was later towed away and dropped off at a shop. It was frustrating to watch it being wrenched onto a flatbed while the 30 day tag seemed to mock me out the back window. Less than 200 miles and 2 weeks after purchase, and the transmission goes out.

Shitty day, but not as shitty as one would think. There’s alot of great things that make this day not seem as huge as maybe I would have thought a year ago.

I woke this morning to a smile and the sun beaming through the windows. When I drove home my migraine was starting to subside. I was stalled in the middle of the road uncertain of what to do. I was able to call people to help. This is something I’m not sure I’ve had before…people who cared enough for me they would come if I needed help. I am overwhelming grateful for this. And while waiting for the tow driver and wanting to wallow in my misfortune, these friends kept the mood leaning towards the positive. I found it hard for me to be too upset.

I spent the rest of the day wondering why I’m not more upset about what seems to be todays disaster. In the big picture though, it’s not that bad. I’m fortunate it happened in a time when I do have an income and can afford to get it fixed. It happened when I wasn’t going very fast and didn’t have my son in the car. This could have been a much more dangerous situation. I’m on the road more than most people, and it happened less than two miles from my home. I had people to call who would come help me so I didn’t feel so helpless and alone.

All in all, it’s a machine. It’s not death, it’s not bad health, it’s not anything that can’t be fixed. If it was going to happen, I can’t think of a better time for it to have happened. I have always been one of those people who found the unwavering optimistic annoying. I don’t think I’m becoming one of those people. I think I am just so incredibly grateful for what and who I have in my life. I can look at the big picture and realize that yes, this sucked, but it’s not even close to being as bad as it could have been. I can’t help but still smile.

Jealousy

I have been really ecstatic lately about how much I’m accomplishing. I have been working so hard in making positives in my life. I have gotten in a good place through hard work and proud of myself. The last three years have not been easy. I became a single mother in a time I was traveling the world and living a life all about me. I was also nomadic with no roots and no intention of making any. Suddenly, within the countdown of leaving the country for an artist fellowship I found out I was pregnant. My whole world was shaken.

I did what I felt like I needed to do for me. I had my son. I was laid off. I struggled to just feed my son. The last three years came with tremendous growth and sacrifice. I’m so fortunate to surround myself with amazing people who shared in my journey. I was at my lowest. I felt like I had failed as a person.

I have never for one day resented my son. I did however struggle to make sense of a life I was suddenly living. We survived it. Now, I am working hard to right my wrongs. To fix finances, credit, and all of the things that were destroyed in the wake of my sudden life change.

With all of this, as I begin to excel I start to see hints of jealousy in some of those around me. It leaves me with lots of random thoughts. Anyone who has shown recent indication of resentment or jealousy towards me were people who entered my life about the time of my lowest points. It makes me question whether or not they enjoyed being around me to feel better about their life and circumstances.

Ive never quite understood jealousy. To me it has always meant a symptom of something much bigger: insecurity, trust, disappointment in self, etc. Jealousy is not a pretty thing. It ruins friendships and relationships.

The most important thing I need to remember is that this is MY journey. I owe it to my son to be the person I would want him to be. I will not hold myself back for someone else. I will continue to surround myself by people who love my son and me and cut out the ones that can’t be happy for me or my journey.

I only want good for those in my life that I love. And I want them to want the same for me.